


i want to learn to love in kind (cause you were all i ever longed for)

by Lilsciencequeen



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blood, Blood and Injury, Book 5: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Canon Divergence - Post-Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Ministry of Magic (Harry Potter), Miscommunication, Mutual Pining, Near Death Experiences, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pining, Slow Burn, St Mungo's Hospital
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-23
Updated: 2021-02-02
Packaged: 2021-03-15 11:26:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28937739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lilsciencequeen/pseuds/Lilsciencequeen
Summary: Her footsteps echoed in the corridor, the sounds reverberating off the tiled walls. It was somewhat creepy, that every breath, every footstep was echoed back at her.The light from her wand tip provided little light, illuminating only a small circle around her. She knew that it must have been late, but the exact time was something she didn’t know. All she knew was that Moody was going to come and relieve her of duty at six in the morning.// Or an AU where Tonks was in the Ministry that night, and not Arthur Weasley
Relationships: Remus Lupin/Nymphadora Tonks, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin
Comments: 18
Kudos: 36





	1. Chapter 1

Her footsteps echoed in the corridor, the sounds reverberating off the tiled walls. It was somewhat creepy, that every breath, every footstep was echoed back at her. 

The light from her wand tip provided little light, illuminating only a small circle around her. She knew that it must have been late, but the exact time was something she didn’t know. All she knew was that Moody was going to come and relieve her of duty at six in the morning.

But for now, she was alone, keeping guard outside the Department of Mysteries, making sure that nothing or nobody broke in. There had been attempts over the past several months, ever since His return but tonight there had been nothing. No one had come down this way. In fact, no one even knew that she was down here - she  _ shouldn’t _ be down here in the first place - so if something were to happen, if she was caught - she dreaded to think what would happen to her. 

Shivering, Tonks pushed that thought to the side. It wouldn’t do her any good to be worrying about what might not happen. If her mind was a million miles away, if she was distracted, she might miss something. Anything. No matter how small and insignificant it might seem, it could be important. It could help them with this mission that they were on.

But time continued to drag on, the seconds turning into minutes. The minutes turned into hours with nothing happening. And that was when she heard it, a faint hissing. Spinning on the spot, she tried to find what was making the noise but it was so dark, and her wand threw out so little light that by the time she worked out what was creeping up on her in the dark, it was too late to do anything about it. It was already there, already in front of her and it was a... it was...

It was a snake.

One that was huge, its scales glittering in the low light.

Her mind was racing at a hundred miles per hour, trying to think about who’s snake this could be. Meeting after meeting flashed through her mind before she finally remembered. 

It was  _ His _ snake.

Sirius had mentioned it in one of their first meetings. Had mentioned it back when they were being established and that it was something to watch out for. But nothing had prepared her for what to do if she actually came into contact with it.

Nobody prepared her for how huge it could be.

And now it was here, only mere meters away from her, and there was nowhere that she could run. She was backed into a corner, and there wasn’t even time to fire a spell. She couldn’t think of a spell in that split second that she saw the snake rear up. In fact, all she could do was throw her right arm in front of her, in an attempt to protect her neck.

The snake’s fangs caught her arm, tearing through flesh and muscle, and the pain that shot through her caused her legs to buckle and she collapsed on the floor. The tile was cold and hard as she collapsed onto it but it was nothing compared to the snake bite. Already venom was racing through her, burning her up from the inside. 

And it felt like fire through her veins and in this moment, she was useless. There was nothing that she could do to fight off the snake.

Her wand had rolled away as she tried to curl up, taking the light away from her. Leaving her alone in the dark, vulnerable to the next attack.

And the attack came.

Fangs tore through flesh.

Venom burnt through her veins.

Again and again and again.

Blood stained the tiled floor beneath her, soaking through her clothes.

And when she was finally (thankfully) left alone, the heavy body of the snake slithering off into the darkness, leaving her sobbing on the ground. There was no way to call for help. There was no one coming to get here. 

She was alone and in the dark, and dying.

And in pain. In so so much pain that she couldn't help but cry out, a low scream that tore its way from her throat.

But there was no one coming for her.

They wouldn’t find her… not until the morning when it would be too late and her parents… oh God her parents. They had always believed in her. Had always trusted her judgement despite being terrified about her being an Auror and even more so about her joining the Order. She had wanted to prove them wrong. Had wanted to show them that this was something that she could do. And now… now they were going to lose their daughter and there was nothing that could be done.

And with that thought in her mind, that horrid heartbreaking thought, she lost consciousness, the pain finally overwhelming her. 

***

Sirus hadn’t expected them to come that night. He had expected them later. It was still term time after all. They should still be in school.

But with the dream that Harry had had and the attack, sending them home early for the Christmas holidays had been the safest thing. Especially with Umbridge in the castle. The old hag had a tendency to ask questions, to force her nose into places where it didn’t belong and with one member of the Order having been gravely injured - a member who worked in the Ministry and was associated with both Harry and the Weasleys… they needed out of the castle. Before she got too suspicious before she asked too many questions.

The four Weasleys and Harry hadn’t even been there for half an hour when the uneasy quiet that had settled over the house was broken.

Between the door banging and the troll leg stool being knocked over, the portrait of his mother started screaming, words ringing around the house. “ _ Blood-Traitors! Half-Breeds! How dare you defile the house of my family!” _ , they knew that things were about to go from bad to worse if that were even possible.

Lupin came stumbling into the kitchen, his face pale. He looked confused, panicked as if he had received the worst possible news, and with the attack… well it had to have been that. Nothing else had happened as far as they were aware. Nothing as awful and as tragic as Tonks being attacked in the Ministry whilst on a mission by You-Know-Who’s snake itself.

“C’mon,” Harry said, the others following him as they realised what was going to happen in the room was something that they shouldn’t bear witness to.“Let’s go upstairs.”

And they slid out of the room, the screams of Sirius’ mother ringing in their ears still, careful not to draw any attention to themselves. They didn’t want to be present for what was about to go down. This wasn’t a conversation they wanted to be present for. But, thankfully, Lupin seemed oblivious to them, his mind clearly a million miles away.

“Remus. Remus!” The man was also oblivious to his words and Sirius had no idea what to do. Things were chaotic at the moment, most of the Order were in different places doing different things to ensure that they survived the night. That they weren’t caught, captured and arrested. 

But most importantly, that Tonks was found by the right people and got the right help. And he knew that to be of use, he had to push his own feelings of guilt and panic down, and not worry about what would happen if things went wrong. About how he would break the news to Andromeda.  _ No _ . This wasn’t something that he would think about. Not here. Not now.

“She’s… I....” Lupin couldn’t get the words out, the words stuttering and then failing and then he collapsed into the nearest seat, burying his face in his hands. He seemed devastated, broken that she had been attacked, a million miles away. And Sirius knew that he had to do something, that he had to help his friend in one way or another.

“She’s alive,” Sirius said in an attempt to reassure himself and Lupin, crouching down in the seat in front of him. His friend looked awful. There was still weeks until the next full moon so he knew that what had distressed Lupin so much was Tonks and the fact that she had been attacked and was on the brink of death. “Moody found her, and he and Arthur are taking her to St. Mungo’s right now. But she’s alive.” He reached forward and placed a reassuring hand on his friend’s knee but Remus shook him off, rising.

“She shouldn’t… what happened tonight. It shouldn’t have happened.” There was something about him, the way his tone was. It was painful. His voice high and strained and seconds away from breaking.

And then it dawned on Sirius.

He had fallen for her. 

In all those months, with all those missions, he had fallen for her.

Whenever she had been in a meeting, whenever she was around, he always seemed that bit happier. His smile was that bit wider. His eyes twinkled. He always seemed much more enthusiastic about missions when he knew that he was going for her.

And he knew that the reverse was true. That she always lit up when he entered the room, that she always lingered too close to him for a second too long, that the missions they went on together were the ones she looked forward to the most.

“You care for her. You’ve fallen for her.”

But as soon as he said the words, he regretted them as Lupin left the kitchen in a panic, muttering to himself and running his hands through his hair. Sirius followed him, his footsteps echoing in the now empty house (the twins must have managed to get the portrait sorted). “Remus. Remus, listen to me.”

The werewolf stopped in the corridor from the kitchen to the front door and slowly turned.

“Running off like this isn’t going to be beneficial. Not for you and definitely not for her. Staying here until we hear something, _anything_ , is what needs to be done. You can’t go bursting into her hospital room. We’re not even supposed to know that something has happened. Dumbledore has a plan. He’ll work everything out but for now, sit down, have something to drink, have something to eat and maybe, just maybe, get some sleep. And then after that, once we find out more, we can work out where to go, work out where to go next.” He was breathing heavy, panting slightly because he knew how Remus felt. Tonks was one of the few family members he cared about, and running off to see her, to rescue her was something he wanted to do more than anything else, but running off right now with no plan... it wasn't something that was sensible. 

And with tears glistening in his eyes, slowly Lupin nodded.

“Okay.”


	2. Chapter 2

_Fangs tore into flesh, ripping her apart._

_Her body burnt up from the inside._

_And she couldn’t fight it._

_She was defenceless._

_Useless._

_Her wand was somewhere… where she didn’t know. All she knew was that it wasn’t with her._

_Leaving her at the mercy of the snake._

_Vulnerable to its attacks._

_And attack it did._

_It kept tearing away at her flesh, filling her veins with its venom._

_Her whole body was ablaze, the cool tiles doing little to extinguish it._

_And all she wanted to do was scream._

_To let out a cry to let someone,_ anyone _, know that she was down here and that she needed help._

_But she couldn’t._

_All that she was able to manage was a pathetic mewl escaping her, a trickle of blood that ran down her chin._

_Something that did nothing to deter the snake._

_In fact, it seemed to encourage the snake even more, as if it were enjoying this attack._

_Enjoying causing her pain._

_The bites were deeper, drawing more and more blood, spilling out onto the tile beneath her._

_The venom spread faster and further, burning through her._

_Clouding her mind, and soon, she could understand nothing but the pain that she was in._

***

Despite what Sirius had said, he hadn’t slept that night. He couldn’t sleep. His mind had been racing all night, in fact, it was still racing. Still thinking about the attack. 

Still thinking about Tonks.

About all that she had been through.

He knew what it was like to be attacked. What it felt like to have fangs tear into your flesh and rip it apart. To have venom fill your veins and burn you from the inside out.

He knew how all of that felt and so much more. 

And it was something that nobody should have to go through. Something that nobody should have to experience. 

Especially someone like Tonks. 

But it had happened. It was something that she had been through. And no matter how much he wished, he couldn’t go back in time and change it. It was something that had happened, and something that they would have to learn how to deal with.

Members of the Order had come and gone all night, wanting information about what had happened (but they had none, they were in the dark, eagerly awaiting information just like the others), passing on what little information that they had (but there was nothing about Tonks, there was never anything about her) but to Lupin, most of it passed him by. It wasn’t important.

The news that she was okay, that she was alive… it hadn’t become known to him yet and until he heard that news, well nothing else mattered.

And he hated himself for falling for her because why would she like someone, _something_ , like him? He was older than she was. He was poor. He was dangerous. 

She deserved someone much better than him.

Someone who wasn’t broken or damaged like he was. 

But still, he couldn’t help the hurting in his heart. The love that was there. It had burrowed deep in his heart and had taken root, spreading further and further with every beat, causing him to fall deeper and deeper still.

And with that thought in his mind, he dropped his head to his hands, burying it in them. His elbows were perched on the old battered wooden table, threatening to buckle at any moment, and he let out a sob, the sound filling the kitchen.

***

_Remus was standing only meters away from her, staring at her, his gaze dropping to her lips every so often. They had just finished an Order meeting, the two of them being the only ones left in the kitchen now that the others had gone about to do whatever it was that they needed to do. But she had lingered behind, wanting to talk to him._

_And it seemed that he had wanted to talk to her too._

_It must have been about their last mission, the one where they had gone together to The Three Broomsticks to see if they could pick up on any intel that was happening at Hogwarts but they had found out little that day._

_No, that was a lie._

_They had found out a lot that day, but about each other. They had spent nearly two hours in the pub, discussing everything about themselves that they could. They had almost lost track of time._

_And at the end of it all, they had become much closer. Much much closer._

_And she had realised that the feelings that she had for him had crossed the line between friends and something more, and she couldn’t help but wonder if he felt the same way._

_Surely after the mission, and how he was looking at her as if she were radiant, he had to feel the same._

_“What?” she asked as he closed the short distance between them, shaking his head._

_“I shouldn’t,” he whispered, the two words almost crashing into one another. “I shouldn’t be doing this. Shouldn’t be feeling these feelings.”_

_“What feelings?” she asked, looking up at him, her gaze meeting his. “What feelings Remus?”_

_“These ones here, love. Desire..” He shook his head but stopped when he saw a cheeky glint in her eyes, a smirk tugging on her lips._

_“Remus, I feel those too and this…” She reached up, resting one hand against his cheek. “I want this.”_

_And slowly, neither knowing who really initiated the kiss, they closed the distance between them._

***

“Remus.” The word was the first one that had escaped her in hours. Of course, she was still unconscious, trapped in the world of dreams and nightmares but Ted couldn’t help but think that it was a good sign, a sign that she was fighting what had taken a hold of her.

He wanted to tell his wife that some good was happening, that they were finally making progress after the longest night, but she had fallen asleep in the chair, her head dipped down. It was an uncomfortable angle, it had to be, but after how long she had been awake, how much she had been through that previous night, he decided to let her sleep. It would still be hours before Dora would be awake, she might not even be awake that day, but if things changed, if she woke up, then he decided, he vowed, that he would wake his wife up. But for now, she needed sleep.

The memory, though still only hours old, of getting that message his daughter had been attacked and was being rushed here, remained at the forefront of his mind. They had both been in bed, looking forward to the festive period, it had always been Dora’s favourite time of the year and now… No. He refused to think that. It wouldn’t come to that. 

It _couldn’t._

They had come here straight away, barely even bothering to get changed and Andromeda had just broken, breaking down sobbing. He had tried to remain strong for her, for the both of them, holding his wife as she sobbed, as the Healer told them everything that had happened, what could happen and what would happen if those scenarios came true. It had been a lot to take in and if he was going to be truthful, he wasn’t sure he understood most of it. All he wanted was to wake up from this nightmare and for it to be over.

Letting out a sigh, he took in his daughter once more, looking broken and beaten, covered in bandages that were already starting to darken with blood. They would have to be changed soon, in fact, another Healer should be already on their way to change her bandages, to help administer the potion that needed administering. She was still twitching in her sleep, her hair dark and limp, her body obviously focusing more on her recovery, fanned out on the pillow around her as she slept.

Andromeda always argued that when she wasn’t changing her appearance, she always looked like him, but he disagreed. Her hair, though not as long and not as curly, was the same soft brown as her mothers. Her eyes were soft and full of light and full of love like her mothers. If she had inherited anything from him, it was how clumsy she was. But now, none of that mattered. All that matted (all that he wanted) was for things to be okay. For things to go back to normal.

A soft snore from his wife dragged him from his thoughts back to the real world, and as he watched her adjust herself in her sleep, he grabbed the spare blanket they had been given and wrapped it around his wife’s shoulders, careful not to disturb her. He didn’t want to wake her, not when she had settled and was sleeping.

It had been a long night for them both. And the next days and weeks would be just as long. Just as hard, but he knew they could do it. He knew that their daughter could overcome it.

“She’s a fighter,” he reassured himself, the words a murmur in the night and he pressed a kiss to his wife’s forehead, brushing soft brown curls out of the way. “She’s a fighter.”

***

“ _You should have been more careful.” Moody’s words were nearly nothing more than a concerned grunt._

_She was leaning against the wall of some run-down block of flats, the brick cold against her back, whilst Moody knelt in front of her._

_It had been her first mission as an Auror, tracking down someone who had decided that trading in illegal goods was a sensible career, but the guy had been tipped off, and had turned on them quickly._

_She had been prepared to duel him, to take him down that way but what she hadn’t been prepared for was the blade to the side. It had been small; easily concealed and easily thrown._

_If it hadn’t been for Moody, he would have gotten away. Moody had incapacitated him in moments and was now checking on her, making sure that the knife hadn’t caused too much damage before bandaging it._

_“You’re going to want to get this checked out. I can’t do much more than that,” he told her, leaning back and standing. He seemed unimpressed with his handiwork but Tonks knew that it was much better than she could do._

_“Sorry,” she told him, accepting his hand and rising to her feet. She gave a wince, shifting her weight so that it was away from her left side. “I should have noticed.”_

_But Moody shook his head. “It can’t be worse than my first mission.”_

_The words were a shock to her but she never got to ask what he meant as the world spun once, twice and vanished, twisting into black as they Apparated away._

***

“You have to eat,” she told him, despite his protests, and set down a plate laden with bacon, scrambled eggs, sausages and beans, piled high and threatening to spill onto the table. “It won’t do you any good if you don’t.” 

Molly, along with Hermione, had arrived just after dawn, both of them as anxious as each other. Hermione hadn’t had any intentions of coming to Grimmauld Place, she had a family holiday booked that Christmas, but he had overheard Ginny tell the twins that apparently Umbridge had been asking questions again, wanting to know what was being planned right under her nose and it as deemed safer that she leave Hogwarts early like the others, and in the end, she had decided to come here. 

Molly… well she was here as most of her family were now here.

Arthur had come and gone hours ago. He hadn’t been since and Lupin supposed it had gone back to work. The last time he had been here was after they had taken Tonks to the hospital, just to let them know she had made it there safely but that was all he knew, and he had seemed anxious and on edge. And potentially guilty. It had been his turn to take watch last night but had swapped with Tonks last minute. Lupin couldn’t help but wonder what would have happened had they not swapped. What it would be like if it had been Arthur that had been attacked and not Tonks. Would Harry still have had a dream? Would the Weasleys have lost a father and Molly her husband?

“Remus.” The world from Molly was stern and knocked him from his thoughts. He knew what she was talking about, even before she gestured at his breakfast, still with steam rising from it, in front of him.

And knowing how much effort she put into breakfast, how much she cared, he picked up the fork and slowly ate a forkful of egg. It did little to settle his nerves, the wave of anxiety that twisted his insides but seeing how Molly’s shoulders seemed to relax even just slightly made it worth it. 

She had grown to love the young Auror in the past months, they all had. And all for different reasons. Maybe for her optimism. Maybe for her bubbly personality. Or maybe, as was the case for Molly, she saw the girl as one of her own.

And the attack had taken a massive toll on them all. It had shown them that the danger was real, ever-increasing every day and that they were all at risk. That none of them were safe from the Dark Forces at play.

It took nearly an hour for him to even eat half his breakfast, each forkful was painful and sat heavy in his stomach but he tried. He really did try.

He was just about to start the second slice of bacon when the door opened, and the sound of heavy footsteps caused him and Molly to turn to the door. Moody was in the doorway, Sirius hanging a full foot behind him. Everybody was eager for news it seemed. 

“How is she?” Molly helped to take his coat, hanging it on one of the pegs on the wall and starting another breakfast for him before Moody could even say anything. He had taken the seat opposite Lupin and for the first time ever, the battle-hardened Auror, scared by little and feared by many, looked anxious. “Is she…” The fear in her voice was evident. Nobody had heard anything for hours now. Dawn had come and gone, the morning now in full swing but there had been no news. Not since she had been admitted. And the fear and anxiety in 12 Grimmauld Place had just grown heavier and heavier. It was in the air, surrounding and suffocating everyone.

“She pulled through the night.” 

“She’s alive?” The words escaped him before he could help them. This night had been one of the worst in recent memory for him. And his mind, once again, got away from him. He knew that he shouldn’t have fallen for her, that she deserved someone better than him. Someone that wasn’t poor like him. Someone that wasn’t old like him. Someone that wasn’t _dangerous_ like him. But he had. He had fallen, and he had fallen hard and nothing was going to change that.

_She’s okay. She’s alive. She pulled through the night._ The words kept racing through his mind, a mantra.

A nod from Moody. “Aye, she is.” The words from Moody were a relief, and it seemed like a weight had been lifted from Lupin’s shoulders. She had survived the night. She had pulled through and though he knew there was a long way to go, he knew that this was a good sign.

She was going to survive. 

And in that moment, to Lupin, that was all that mattered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know the dream sequences in this chapter might seem a bit odd but they're all going to come into play and make sense in later chapters! I also want to say a huge thank you for all the support on the first chapter, it really made me smile! Thanks for checking out, I hope that you enjoyed this chapter!

**Author's Note:**

> This has been an idea that I've had in my head for years and this is the first time I've ever gotten around to writing it. Thanks for checking out, I really hope that you enjoyed this one!


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